It’s only been a few years since he’s been gone. All in all, my situation is still very fresh and new to those that don’t know me. I have come a very long way since June 26th, 2013, and truth be told, I still have a long way to go. I’m not completely healed, but I’m better. I’m not unafraid of what this life has to offer me, but I’m braver. I cannot say that I’m smarter today, but I’m more experienced. I can’t say that I’m perfect at parenting alone, but I’m willing to work hard at it. My heart is not 100%, but it’s stronger.

I’ve only recently allowed myself to entertain the idea of having a man in my life. The idea certainly crossed my mind, but I wasn’t healthy enough to sincerely consider it. This was caused by a lot of guilt that I felt at the onset of loss. I truly wish I had the presence of mind to have seen this a while ago, but I had to walk through shit and struggle, before I was able to mindfully see this. I deserve happiness. I deserve joy. I deserve to live in peace. I have learned, through much soul searching and solitude, that in order to be happy in any relationship or with any partner, I have to actualize a self-love that frees my soul from the chains of guilt. It took a lot of pain from falling on my face to see this, in order to understand what I needed to do from that moment forward.

I decided that creating a life that makes me satisfied with who I am is what I needed to work on. I am now in a place that I can confidently say, I’m happy with who I am, what I want, and where I’m going. There will always be measures added to this, so I can continuously improve, but for the sake of this argument, I’m a happy person. This fact is what I know will lead someone into my life. Creating a life that illustrates that I’m content will attract what I need and want. I think as a woman, I was under the impression that “finding a good man” is the ultimate goal in life for a woman, (oddly enough, I never really had to look very far as God dropped him right in front of me early on). However, now I understand that the goal in my life is enjoying the family, friends, and experiences I’m having, and always being open to learning new things about myself in this journey. The real bonus of having someone significant in my life will be that they add to an already content existence.

I recently experienced how this premise stands for me. I met someone that I found interesting and appealing. He fit a lot of positive criteria for my lifestyle. Personality wise, we got along like peas and carrots. Time went on and we began to move into a more serious place. He began to withdraw, and finally came clean about his feelings. He confessed that he was highly anxious about moving forward. He was scared of being the “guy” for me. Many people will have opinions about this, and about him. Some might say he’s a coward, and some might say he’s noble. I think I prefer to say neither. His fears are justified. My situation is terribly intimidating to most interested parties. Who the fuck wants to compete with a ghost? It’s impossible to do! Yet, the fact is, there is no competition and there never will be.

I don’t hold any bitterness. On the contrary, I’m heartbroken and I miss him. However, anyone not willing to weather the storm with me, isn’t for me. My personal life can only be polished by someone that, even though they recognize the inherent fear of being a part of this journey, they jump off that frightening cliff, anyway. I’m worth the risk. I’m worth the fear one feels getting involved in such a complex dynamic. I’m worth every little doubt they may have, and I know I am. I know there is a very distinct possibility that I may never meet him. I know that I may traverse this rock, solo because this brave soul may not exist. I know I’ve truly come out of this tragedy having learned major facts about myself, and the beauty is, I’m okay with this. I’m absolutely okay with me. I’m also completely okay with knowing that I may very well have more balls than any of the men that wander into my life, and frankly, I’m the better for it.

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